Strangely, as if I have a split personality, I have buckets of patience doing things that would make a normal person want to tear their hair out.
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In the last two years, I have been creating my own endings, all of them for my own good. Beginnings and endings can be exhilarating, but they can also bring up your fears about outcomes, the what will happen if…
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The sad fact is that if one can’t find love for self, it is impossible to find true love for another since loving oneself teaches us how to extend that love outward. Simple yes, in theory, but we know the challenges.
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However, or whoever, is an example for you in learning to accept whatever it is, know that we are all too human. And like all of us, we are trying our very best.
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As I take another turn around the sun, I will keep this mantra close, so that this new year is about taking risks regardless of the possibility of failure, knowing that failing doesn’t have to mean failing…that there is something to be gleaned in the end.
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So, at last, I am wise enough to know it is OK for me to receive whatever abundance is provided me…while still working on the belief I am worthy of it.
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At the tender age of 56 I have come to peace with who I am with all of my quirkiness and my own eccentricities. No one could ever accuse me of being fast on the uptake, so there you have it, self- acceptance has arrived way past midlife.
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As I face the prospect of selling this second book once it is published, which I’d already explained I did very badly with my first book, I know staying in my comfort zone will not be helpful. Even as I write this, I can feel a tightening of my chest.
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One of the most invaluable lessons my mother has taught me is the search for faith shouldn’t happen only when life is tough, but the search is more meaningful in the moment of grace. I suppose I was too young to appreciate what she meant by those words, but as I’ve aged and, hopefully, matured I’ve come to understand what she meant by those prophetic words…faith is ever present.
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I used to believe survival was defined by getting over something. Now I know survival is learning how to endure what may seem unendurable.
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This idea of taking a step and it becoming monumental starts at the very beginning when we are infants. Parents, the world over, can tell you in detail the moment their child took his or her first step. Their vivid description reveals how indelible it was and remains no matter how much time has passed.
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Perhaps if I weren’t a writer I would hopefully give myself permission to find things to do that make me happy. If you don’t know what things would bring you happiness, give yourself permission to take a step to discovering what that could be. For me, the realization of how much joy and happiness my work provides me has been a lesson, while late in its arrival, but one I will cherish as I continue the work of sitting.
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I know there are things each of us have wanted to try, but don’t because of the belief that we can’t do them. Each of us has those secret dreams that are buried so deep as to be a secret buried with you when you are no longer of this earth. I know I have many such desires.
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The adage ‘attitude is everything’ is something I think about whenever I am feeling cranky, feeling put out for whatever reason, and feeling unmoored.
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When I show up just open to allowing whatever will happen to happen, I am never disappointed by how much more I get than I could have dreamed.
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While this mantra has been one that has hummed in the background for me the last few years, this month’s focus has again given me an opportunity to reevaluate and to change priorities. I suppose I am doing this with a certain fervor because the question, ‘if not now, when?’ is better than a question that I may be asking of ‘why had I not?’.
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Recently, I set about organizing and emptying the many closets of my very good friend, who passed away in July. The day was long, draining, and one that had me consider this particular mantra in a different light.
While one can say that my friend did not believe in less, as was proven by the 20 plus trash bags of clothes, shoes, coats, and accessories I filled for charity. However I never felt as if any aspect of her life was excessive for excessive sake. Perhaps it was because she was someone who received so much love and gave so much love. I know how much I loved her and I know how much love I received from her each and every day.
What I have discovered is the more I give with abandon of what is more precious to me than simply writing a check, the more I am able to connect the true meaning of this season. So, as this mantra’s says, give whatever it is you are able.
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I had known about Holy Cross Monastery these past 15 years, I hadn’t felt the call to go…until now.
I guess you could say I’ve had a crisis of faith these past few years and have felt unmoored from what it means to live with faith and more importantly to live a life of faith.
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I need to be reminded that I don’t have to handle everything on my own. Since last August, I have tried asking for help more often. It is baby steps, but they are steps indeed. I can’t say asking for help won’t always feel like something huge, but I know that I can do it and should do it when necessary.
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