I Welcome Abundance into My Life Without Quantifying

This month’s mantra is a reminder for me to accept all of my blessings without the usual attachment of guilt or self-doubt. I wish I could say this was easy for me, but those who know me realize what an uphill climb all of this is. That isn’t to say I’m ungrateful, rather it’s the more complicated and kind of shitty reality that I think I am undeserving. Where all of this comes from is a mystery to me and my family since I was forever the golden child, who was coddled and spoiled. In fact my father’s favorite phrase to any of my whims or absurd ideas about what I could do was “try”. Simply that, try. His belief allowed me to be confident in so many ways, yet the nagging thought I am undeserving of all that I had been blessed with was the apparition I am forever running from. 

I suppose if I had blithely accepted, or worse, assumed all that I had was the natural order of life, I would be an unbearable, entitled human. The idea about those given a great deal, a great deal is expected is something I think about since I know how much I had and continue to be given. I think I’m finally unraveling my doubts about what I deserve from my fears I am continually failing to live up to the expected greatness of one given so much. One thing I can say is self-doubt does not discriminate since those with what the world perceives as having many of life’s bounty can still be riddled with doubt. 

So, at last, I am wise enough to know it is OK for me to receive whatever abundance is provided me…while still working on the belief I am worthy of it.